Birthday Intentions

A friend suggested that on my birthday I take advantage of the magical portal, that opens up only on one's birthday, and write my intentions for my life for this year. This is something she has done herself. She said its not to be thought about until the morning of my birthday and then, she instructed, just sit down, near water preferably, and write the list. She went on to explain how it is interesting to look back on the list on the following birthday to examine how  many of those intentions are upheld and how life's energy has directed me. I like this idea very much. So, on May 9th, my birthday, I intend to write my personal list.

I wrote about this on my blog to put this idea out to others.  Anything we can do to improve our own lives has worth because in so doing, or intending, we do also, I believe, improve the lives of others. I just read a passage from the book I'm reading, by Lama Surya Das, The Big Questions: How to find your own answers to life's essential mysteries, that happiness truly comes from making others happy. I read that people are unhappy because they too often are preoccupied with the self. In particular, he cautioned attaching to the notion of a separate, independent self that deserves "its own" happiness.

Thinking about those words I began to analyze the times I feel most miserable and indeed it comes down to thinking about self.  How come I was the one who cared for my parents for 5 years and ended up not only losing them but my relationships with my sisters, who were never here to help nor did they call, and then never even received a simple thank you for the care I gave our parents?  Why don't they want to speak to me?  No answers. Why did I earn a Master's Degree in Education only to have my career cut short because my parents fell ill? Why has teaching changed so much its now an undesirable field; not to mention one cannot live alone on the salary? No answers.  All these questions regard self.

As I look at the situation of leaving my job, keeping self out of it,  I remember my mom saying " I don't know what I'd do without you." When I think of my sisters as suffering human beings, leaving my "self suffering" aside, I understand that what they feel or do not feel has nothig to do with me. I do not wish them anything but good in life; so if they wish me otherwise or simply do not wish to have my company or hear my voice, I just think-- maybe I'm a painful reminder of something for them. I know their suffering is not inflicted by me. When I am angered or sad about teaching I think about how my education can be used elsewhere and knowing that to be true is freeing.

First on my list (even though I'm not suppossed to write it until Thursday):
Spend more time OUTSIDE of SELF. :) Intention: It will make those around me happy when I am happy.