Leaping joyfully into the moments

I have said " Look around, what do you see that is beautiful? Savor it." 

I am proud to say that I practice mindfulness. However, since I lose my glasses perpetually, I haven't perfected it.  I am a New Englander; a Massachusetts native. I don't care where I live I can't shed my traits: I move fast, talk fast, and my mind goes like a train about to derail most of the time.  I tend to analyze everything. Everyday, I tell myself to STOP and be present. Nevermind the past, or the future. Make plans but be prepared for upsets. I've learned to only use pencil on my calendars and in my address books, never ink.

Last year I lost my mom. Talk about a major change. I was her best friend and she was mine. Actually, she died on September 13th so it hasn't been quite a year that has passed. I cry, and sometimes I feel as if my stomach will turn over when I have some thought about her; which is almost everyday. Of course, my crying occurs because of something I have remembered about the past--but I'm in the present moment.  I have decided that what I am feeling in the moment IS staying in the moment. It's important to identify what I am feeling, make friends with the emotion, and accept it. Yet, its important not to dwell.  So I practice redirection. I read, create art, clean house, cook, write this blog, and whatever else will take me away from dwelling.

I'll have another major change soon. I've been with  my grandson since the day he was born; in fact mine was the first face he ever saw.  My son-in-law is deployed and my daughter and I are joined at the hip caring for the baby. Soon, thank God, her husband will return to his wife, my daughter, and his son whom he has only seen and held for about about a month and 1/2 total. It's his turn to be with his son to build the relationship with his son that I have had the pleasure of establishing. However, I don't know what I'm going to do when they leave.  I have never in my life, other than in my teen years, focused solely on myself. Getting up and planning a day that's all about me ( manicure, pedicure, wine, lunch, yoga..nah) feels very foreign, I've done that on rare occasion but it would be difficult for me to sustain a life centered solely on my pleasures and needs.  I have been a daughter/caregiver, a wife, a mother and now a doting-helper grandma.  I don't think I have ever had a week that's totally ME focused.  I'm not a gym-goer, a social butterfly, nor one to work on my tan. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit: I'm lost. Those redirections are not totally fulfilling--I give my time to them but they can't appreciate or love me back-- and it just doesn't seem like they'll be enough.

My husband tells me to look forward to visits.  Visits, unless very lengthy, really don't build the kind of relationship I'd like with my grandchild. Plus, money is limited; we can't visit all the times we'd like to. I am torn that one daughter whom I adore is in NY and this daughter and grandson will be in CO. I can't even find a territory that's driving distance to see either. This issue has no solution. The only solution --to keep my head intact-- is to practice mindfulness and to direct my thinking to how fortunate I am to have these people to love and to be loved by these people so much.

My plan is to cry when I feel I have to, read, paint, cook, visit and enjoy my great husband,  He's funny and smart and very kind and understanding.  He knows I love the kids and want to do for them all the time.  Life is too short for sure and personally I like to hug and see the smiles, and have coffee and cook a meal to share and just be able to call and meet up somewhere spontaniously--I want to be with all those I love. It bites to deal with division. I know the adage "it is what it is" and like every other situation in life its has no perfect solution; only having the right mind/attitude will help us cope with anything. If we are humans we can be sure we won't have the right mind/attitude 24-7. Note to self: Don't DWELL.

Gloria Gaynor sang " I will survive!"  That's true, we all do survive...we cope but I'd like to sing " I will thrive!"  I will, at least I am aiming to by leaping joyfully into the moments! I'll open my eyes to what is beautiful and I'll savor it!

Shaky Faith

I say I have faith but I have to admit mine is shaky at times.  I do believe in the energy of prayer and that praying with someone or in a group has power. I also believe that writing about problem, as I did when discussing the issue with my son-in- law (Another Why, blog entry) will bring attention that may result in others praying for the issue to resolve.

To anyone who did pray, I thank you. Our prayers were answered; he feels much better. I don't know how other than God's healing and our prayers. For 7 weeks he felt terribly ill. I asked my daughter, his wife, to pray with me for him. Quickly after this sincere prayer he feels better and has stopped coughing.

Thank you God.  Once again you've proven I'm a fool to have shaky faith.

Another why...

My son-in-law is stationed in Kandahar, with 4ID out of Fort Carson, CO.  He has been feeling ill for a month now, going out on missions without sleep and ill.  He saw the Medical personnel there.  They told him he has severe bronchitis which is further irritated by the dust that blows around Afghanistan every time he leaves his bunker. The problem is they told him they have no antibiotics to give him.  Not only don't they have antibiotics but we, his family, send him Mucinex, Tylenol, Kaopectate, and more from home.

If a soldier is wounded they Medi-Vac them to a hospital.  Yet, if one catches the flu, like he also had, they administer an IV for dehydration but if one is misfortunate enough contract something for which they need antibiotics, like bronchitis, well tough. If he suffers complications will this be chalked up to "the cost of combat?"

How can we send aid to foreign countries, which includes medicines, and not take care of our soldiers? Sure churches send hats, cookies and blankets; warm and fuzzy things. Although these are lovely gestures none can cure medical ills.  All the constant buzz, the slogans, about taking care of our Military: Support the Military, Support Military Families and the rest of the Hoohaa. Bunk.

This is the United States of ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  God Bless America.