The most challenging things can be the hopes or promises which one keeps hidden. Most people will admit -silently- that they have or have had these internal stirrings that they don't share. I really want to stop this habit, or pretty soon I'm going to_____(fill in the blank).
It seems that only after the fullfillment of these hidden hopes or self promises are we ready to say them out loud. We generally talk about them or share them only when we know we are in the clear.
For example, if one promises themselves to quit smoking and makes an attempt but they aren't sure they want to or can stay with it they keep quiet. They don't say anything while trying; maybe they don't want smoke-free cheerleaders because they find all of the accolades and hooplah "for just trying" very annoying. Maybe until they know they can meet the challenge and completely fullfill the goal they think staying quiet about their effort is best. Maybe one wants ----makes a promise to self--to save money yet they continue to buy a $4.50 Starbuck's Latte everyday while knowing that cutting out this one purchase could save them $135. a month. If they tell someone they want to save and are observed buying the daily latte, they may be told "hey, if you stopped buying your latte...,"; and we don't want to be told or judged as as an irresponsible person--because, we justify, life is short and we deserve a daily indulgence--so we continue our self sabotage.
Perhaps part of us is uncertain about our private goal, or we know it is half-hearted, or we're afraid it'll be jinxed if we dare tell anyone; or are we trying to avoid judgement if it doesn't come to pass? Would we do better to put it "out there" in the universe? Only, I guess, if you don't mind public failure or evaluation. Maybe that's why they are most challenging, these hidden hopes or self-promises, because we have to be very sure of our success and our personal level of desire and committment before we dare whisper a word outside of our own heads.
A Quiet Book for Samuel
2 hours ago